I'm tired.
I'm tired of not being noticed. I used to make friends with everyone I met, but now, I have become so dependent on and content with the friends I have, I don't remember how to make friends anymore. I'm not funny, I'm not especially talented, and I'm not extremely smart. I can keep up small talk for a long time, but not long enough to get into deeper conversation.
I have come to the realization that I won't have many if any friends as I get older. I'm not like many of the people in my age group: I don't drink or party nor do I want to, I am extremely diligent with my schoolwork, and I don't know how to fit in. Don't get me wrong, I want to be able to stand out and be my own person, I just want to fit in enough to make friends, but my plan doesn't seem to be working all that well.
I'm tired of planning. I enjoy the company of others, but not when it takes a month to plan something as simple as an outing to a coffee shop. I have many friends who enjoy the stage, and with that comes the uncertainty of their true emotions and feelings. I can never tell whether my friends are acting or not when we're in a conversation. I always want to believe that they are being honest with me, but am I always honest with them when I say "I'm ok"?
I want to make new friends. Having the same group of friends for years gets routine. Any time we see each other we re-read the same script: it starts with hellos and how-are-yous, we move on to other surface level conversations like clothes or movies, sometimes we'll talk about other friends or our stress level. Never anything more than that. I want to make new friends who only know the current version of me and not who I used to be. I want to know people with differing upbringings and ideals. I want to be able to learn from the people I talk to and I want them to want to learn about me.
Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I should give my friends a chance, and a second chance, and a third, fourth, tenth, when will they ask me if I'm really ok? When will they listen to me the way I listen to them? When will I meet people who truly understand me?
I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.
I can't sleep.
C.B.
I'm tired of not being noticed. I used to make friends with everyone I met, but now, I have become so dependent on and content with the friends I have, I don't remember how to make friends anymore. I'm not funny, I'm not especially talented, and I'm not extremely smart. I can keep up small talk for a long time, but not long enough to get into deeper conversation.
I have come to the realization that I won't have many if any friends as I get older. I'm not like many of the people in my age group: I don't drink or party nor do I want to, I am extremely diligent with my schoolwork, and I don't know how to fit in. Don't get me wrong, I want to be able to stand out and be my own person, I just want to fit in enough to make friends, but my plan doesn't seem to be working all that well.
I'm tired of planning. I enjoy the company of others, but not when it takes a month to plan something as simple as an outing to a coffee shop. I have many friends who enjoy the stage, and with that comes the uncertainty of their true emotions and feelings. I can never tell whether my friends are acting or not when we're in a conversation. I always want to believe that they are being honest with me, but am I always honest with them when I say "I'm ok"?
I want to make new friends. Having the same group of friends for years gets routine. Any time we see each other we re-read the same script: it starts with hellos and how-are-yous, we move on to other surface level conversations like clothes or movies, sometimes we'll talk about other friends or our stress level. Never anything more than that. I want to make new friends who only know the current version of me and not who I used to be. I want to know people with differing upbringings and ideals. I want to be able to learn from the people I talk to and I want them to want to learn about me.
Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I should give my friends a chance, and a second chance, and a third, fourth, tenth, when will they ask me if I'm really ok? When will they listen to me the way I listen to them? When will I meet people who truly understand me?
I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.
I can't sleep.
C.B.
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